Articles

Jealousy--What to Do About It

Jealousy--What to Do About It

Jealousy is defined in the Webster's Dictionary as either 1) an unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has, or 2) an unhappy or angry feeling caused by the belief that someone you love (such as your dating partner or spouse) likes or is liked by someone else. In other words, feeling jealous is a form of desiring or coveting what someone else possesses, seems to possess, or might come to possess. In the dating world, jealousy can take many forms. You might feel jealous of

2016-04-08 Randy Gilchrist Healthy relationships, Conflict resolution, Psychological health
Looks--How Much Do They Matter?

Looks--How Much Do They Matter?

As I started this article, I was originally going to title this: Looks--How Much Should They Matter? However, I think an article based more upon the real world and how much looks actually matter would be a more useful place to start. I will probably write the other article at a later time (including other "non looks oriented attractors"). So, how much do looks tend to matter in the dating world? In short: a lot. Remember, I'm just the messenger with this, but it's the truth and you need to

2016-04-01 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships
How to Trust Again

How to Trust Again

In my previous article, "To Trust or Not to Trust", I gave some suggestions and recommendations on how to assess and determine how trustworthy a dating partner is. However, I fully understand that just because you might accurately determine if someone is "trustworthy", that doesn't mean you will automatically feel and act trusting of them as a result. Why not? Scars. Emotional baggage. Other pain and problems creating "trust issues". Perhaps you have been strongly hurt or disappointed in

2016-03-25 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Communication, Conflict resolution
Settling vs. Expectations

Settling vs. Expectations

A common conversation among singles in the church and the single population in general, especially when you hear about a breakup, is that person being consoled and told to “not settle”, the internet is overflowing with these memes, but what does that mean? Oftentimes people have a big laundry list of what they desire in someone else, and they consider settling to be not getting someone with that entire laundry list means they are settling. There are some things missing from this equation

2016-03-25 Shawn Gordon Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication
To Trust or Not to Trust?

To Trust or Not to Trust?

One of the most challenging aspects of both online dating relationships and relationships in general is the topic of trust. Trust, from the Webster dictionary, is defined as "belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc." In relationships, trust involves believing the other will uphold essential principles and values including sexual fidelity, respectful and civil treatment, and willingness and commitment to follow through with responsibilities such as church

2016-03-24 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Communication
Letting Go of Heartbreak

Letting Go of Heartbreak

There is a challenge with online dating, and dating in general. By this point, most people have suffered some significant form of heartache and heartbreak. Sometimes we've been broken up with when we thought marriage was coming. Sometimes we had to break up with or divorce the other person because our expectations weren't met. Other times, unions of two particular people are toxic, including cycles of arguments, verbal abuse, and other emotional trauma. Infidelity ("cheating") emotionally

2016-03-14 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Psychological health
Being Friendzoned

Being Friendzoned

When getting to know someone online, over the phone, in person, how do you know when they decide they aren't romantically interested? Or, as it's commonly called today, them "friendzoning" you. Sometimes the other person will just come out and say it, usually with one of the more common cliches: "I just don't think we're a match", "I just see us as friends", "I just don't think this is going to work out", etc. Sometimes you hear this sooner, other times later. It usually hurts when you hear

2016-03-07 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication
Marital Research Findings: John Gottman

Marital Research Findings: John Gottman

There is one man acknowledged by most academics to be the world's leading researcher in marital relationships: Dr John Gottman from the University of Washington. Gottman has been researching couples in his "love laboratory" for decades, as is often quoted in Ensign articles and by many LDS professors, even though he is not LDS. Therefore, his research findings by and large can be respected as helpful, useful, and applicable to most couples, most of the time. John Gottman has many useful

2016-02-28 Randy Gilchrist Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Communication
Workable Compromise

Workable Compromise

What do you do when the person you are dating or married to disagrees with you on what to do or how to do it, whatever "it" is? What do you do when your interests or opinions are in direct conflict with the wants, needs, or feelings of the other? What do you do when you simply want different things? Navigating such differences is a key in making relationships work. Sometimes the best you can hope for is a workable compromise you can both live with, at least for a while. The spirit of a

2016-02-18 Randy Gilchrist Communication, Conflict resolution
Responding to Criticism

Responding to Criticism

One of the keys of any successful relationship and marriage is responding effectively to the mild to moderate criticism that sometimes will come your way from the other person (responding to extreme verbal abuse through boundaries will be discussed in another article). This is especially true if you date and marry a person with a more aggressive or confrontational personality. However, in marriage, these moments will sometimes happen with most couples at some point. Therefore, the point of

2016-02-06 Randy Gilchrist Communication, Conflict resolution
Listening Skills

Listening Skills

Listening. In relationships, complaints of poor listening are common, but explanations of what really makes for good listening is much more rare. It's almost as if good listening skills were "so obvious", there should be no need for further clarification of what that actually looks and sounds like. From my experience in the therapy office, both men and women complain that the other doesn't listen. However, the complaint seems to come from wives and girlfriends about their guy much more

2016-01-29 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Communication Skills

Communication Skills

How many couples do you know who have complained that they "have a communication problem" or a "conflict resolution" problem? With most couples--dating or married, one partner tends to be more open in an aggressive way, whereas the second partner tends to be more closed and conflict avoidant in a passive or passive aggressive way. The result? A lack of resolution, as well as frustration, resentment, and other hurt feelings. The goal of effective communication is for both partners to speak

2016-01-25 Randy Gilchrist Communication
How to Open Up About Feelings

How to Open Up About Feelings

One of the bigger dating challenges for some comes in the difficulty of verbally opening up. Letting the other person in. Sharing what's in your heart, mind, and soul. Making yourself vulnerable. Expressing wants, needs, opinions, and feelings. Making requests. Saying no and setting boundaries. If this describes you, you probably have your reasons for not opening up. Perhaps people in the past have used things you shared against you. Perhaps it's lead to an argument or friction. Whatever your

2016-01-17 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Assertive Communication Skills

Assertive Communication Skills

Assertive communication is open, honest and direct like aggressive communication, but also respectful and civil like passive communication. Basically, assertive communication blends the best of the other two styles without the inherent drawbacks that come with them. Maintaining an assertive communication style will allow you to express your wants, needs and feelings and resolve conflict, while at the same time minimizing potential hurt feelings, resentment, and retaliation. Accordingly, here

2015-12-29 Randy Gilchrist Communication
3 Modes of Communication

3 Modes of Communication

How many times have we heard that couples are having "communication problems" or "conflict resolution problems"? Pretty often. In my therapy office couch when I am working with couples, I can pretty much guarantee that this will be one of their main issues and goals to work on. There are gender differences that add to this issue, but I will address that in another article. For now and before learning some communication skills, it's helpful to start understanding this issue by dividing styles

2015-12-22 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Dating Advice

Dating Advice

Be precise: When writing an Internet personal ad or filling out an online dating questionnaire, be as specific as possible. Think about who you are and what makes you unusual and list both your successes and your failures. Mentions of moonlight strolls, or walks in the park are meaningless. Instead, you might say, "I'm a homebody who really loves cooking, but also likes camping." Saying, "I'm looking for someone who is not afraid of snakes, but also is not a carnivore" sets you apart as a

2015-12-16 Shawn Gordon Dating