by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
Almost all LDS singles have had their heart broken at least once before. Divorce, failed engagement, or just regular breakups result in different levels of pain, frustration, and emotional scars. Until and unless a relationship is forever, the rest…won't be. Resulting from such pain involves a natural and understandable phenomenon that I call the "self protect" syndrome. This refers to part inside yourself that strives to help you avoid or minimize similar pain and heartbreak again in the future. So, when previous relational pain and trauma is still too fresh, the self-protect part of yourself will be stronger than the "connect" part. When this occurs, a person will not yet be ready or able to be in a new, successful, healthy relationship. Instead, self-protecting individuals will sabotage and ruin what otherwise may have been a new relationship with great potential. In essence, such people are still "snake bitten" and will fear getting too close or getting hopes too high, assuming that it will just result in a more painful future breakup that will cynically seem inevitable. So why not sabotage it and break it up earlier to minimize the inevitable pain? Self defeating.
Getting Ready For Someone New
So, how do you adequately heal and prepare yourself to be in a committed, hopefully married relationship? How do you help the "connect" part of your to be stronger than the "self-protect" part of you? The answers can vary depending on the specific needs and issues of the person in question. However, here are three pretty good suggestions to consider:
1) Go talk to someone. Visit with your bishop and get some spiritual support and suggestions. Go talk to a experienced licensed psychotherapist, such as a psychologist or marriage & family therapist. Go to a positive support group for relationships. Talk to friends and family and find out their positive methods for how they have successfully gotten through their past failed relationships. Consider online support groups. There are many different possible people you can talk to for support and direction. Just make sure they are positive, trustworthy, and willing and able to demonstrate support.
2) Review some good quality self help materials to help your heal, become positive and optimistic, and get yourself back out there. There are many quality books, audios, and videos out there on healing from past relationships and trying again. You might wish to review all of the following below on www.amazon.com and choose whichever resources seem like a good fit and match for your current challenges. A few possible recommendations:
The PTSD Workbook by Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern
Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot
Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life by Scott Spradlin
The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger
Awaken the Giant Within + Giant Steps by Anthony Robbins (audio)
3) Consider Hypnosis or EMDR. Both hypnosis and EMDR (a sort of hypnosis just designed for trauma) can be helpful as you work to move on from past pains, wounds, scars, and trauma. I recommend going to a hypnosis or EMDR specialist who is also a licensed psychotherapist, such as a licensed clinical psychologist or marriage & family therapist. If you are on a budget, I recommend the affordable, convenient, and decent quality hypnosis sessions available at www.hypnosisdownloads.com. This company out of England has a wide variety and selection of most any hypnosis audio title you may wish to help you work on yourself. A few good hypnosis session titles there include: Let it Go, Let Go of the Past, Trust Again, Stop Choosing Mr. Wrong, Confidence Booster, and so on.
A popular saying is that "time heals all wounds". I disagree. I have actually seen many people get even more bitter, resentful, and/or self protective over time. Instead, please actively work on your healing with these 3 suggestions. It is worth it to have the future quality marriage you wish for. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
|2017-12-18||Randy Gilchrist||Dating, Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation|
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to email@example.com).