Are you tempted to try to get back together with your ex? Is your ex trying to get back with you? Should you do it? Does it matter if you were only dating versus married or engaged? Does it ever work out? These and other related questions are common when an ex wants to get back together with you. The true answer in all scenarios is…it depends. Maybe it is a good idea, maybe it isn’t. And ultimately the choice will be up to you. However, hopefully some ideas in this article can help you in your decision.
When it is a Good Idea
When your ex is a truly quality person, maybe you were primarily the problem it ended before. If you are now basically healthy, able, and wiling to be in a relationship with a decently healthy person, it can be a good idea to try again in the relationship—as long as you will not just be soon hurting the other person again. In these scenarios, the old cliché is true that “it’s not you, it’s me”. Perhaps you sabotaged the relationship before. Perhaps you weren’t ready to have a relationship with a healthier person before, but now you are. In any event, if the other person is basically a good person and you are now able and willing to reciprocate, it can be a good idea to try again in the relationship. If you do decide to try to get back together, I highly recommend going to couples therapy with a licensed therapist to help you navigate your challenges and reconnect in a healthy way.
When it is a Bad Idea
Honestly, the previously described scenario of circumstances to get back together with the ex are the rare exceptions. Most of the time, it is best to not get back together with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Why not? Because most of the time the relationship was pretty unhealthy in some fashion and it ended for a reason. Reasons that usually become apparent again fairly quickly if you get back together. Either you were primarily the unhealthy one, they were, or you both were. Unless both sides are basically healthy, failure will be the likely outcome. Certain toxic couple combinations are unwise to try again because most of the time, another breakup will be likely and imminent, and all it takes for a failure is one person to up for it.
In Either Event…
Whether you decide to try again in a relationship with an ex or not, the important thing is that you yourself: 1) understand your role in your unhealthy prior relationship, 2) you learn better and work through/improve on your issues that contributed to the problems (through self-help, therapy, etc), and 3) you ultimately pick a better quality dating partner in the future—either an improved version of your ex or more likely, a completely new person altogether. Be smart. Make wise decisions. Allow your mind to decide more than your heart. Love is not enough. You need 2 basically healthy people treating each other decently to have a chance. Please remember that, or you will probably regret it.
Here are some links to other related articles to give you some additional ideas on getting healthier and picking better in the future:
The important thing in any relationship is to pick well, then nourish well. In other words, choose the healthiest, highest quality person you can find and then treat that person as well as you can from there on out. Occasionally a rare scenario could include getting back with your ex boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife if you and/or the other person has made and demonstrated notable improvements and changes. However, again, most of the time relationship success will require finding a new person altogether. It is better to be with alone than in an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, it is better to be in a healthy relationship that alone. So please, go to work on yourself and then go find that healthier relationship, one way or the other. This is how it was meant to be. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
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|2018-12-17||Randy Gilchrist||Dating, Healthy relationships, Psychological health|
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to email@example.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to firstname.lastname@example.org).