Being Friendzoned

Being Friendzoned When getting to know someone online, over the phone, in person, how do you know when they decide they aren't romantically interested? Or, as it's commonly called today, them "friendzoning" you. Sometimes the other person will just come out and say it, usually with one of the more common cliches: "I just don't think we're a match", "I just see us as friends", "I just don't think this is going to work out", etc. Sometimes you hear this sooner, other times later. It usually hurts when you hear it, but often after the initial pain eases and you look back, it's often the case that you realize you really weren't a healthy, compatible match.

Other times, you'll receive more subtle hints that they are not romantically interested in you, which can be called "red light signals". These indirect signals are given before or even instead of clear statements of rejection. Perhaps the red light signals alone are given because they don't like awkward conversation, they don't like to hurt others, or perhaps because they just don't to deal with the reaction they might receive if they did "just come out and say it".

So, what are some subtle (or not so subtle) red light signals? Here are a few:
*They might "ghost you"--just flat out refusing to call, text, or email you back, or they at least just might take a very long time to do so.
*While texting, emailing, or even in conversation, you might get brief or even one word answers from them that make it difficult if not impossible to continue the conversation.
*Being around them, they may give little eye contact and may even carry aloof, bored, or disinterested looks on their faces.
*They might cancel a date or get together for poor reasons, and then fail to reschedule. "I'll have to check my schedule" is a common statement.
*They keep talking about their ex boyfriend or girlfriend more so than about you.
*They talk little or not at all about going out to potential dating places in the future. Places to date become an ever lessening topic.
*They start to pick fights and argue with you over small or even non-existent issues or problems. They also might pick on you, knit picking tiny issues.
*Their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions usually seem bored, irritated, aloof, or otherwise distracted.
*Instead of keeping good eye contact, their eye contact is poor and they often look away.
*In conversations, they talk much more about themselves instead of asking about or commenting about you.
*Their friends and/or family start to act aloof and give you the cold shoulder.

In either event--if you are subtly or more bluntly rejected romantically, you have a few respectful choices you can make at that point: 1) You can part ways and civilly move on, having little if anything else to do with them from them on, 2) you can turn into light friends or friendly acquaintances when you cross paths, or 3) a small portion will actually become close friends afterwards. However, usually this occurs with one side privately hoping or longing for the other person to perhaps change their mind after developing feelings over time. This usually leads to frustration. I'm not saying it never happens, but it is pretty rare. Very rare, in fact. Therefore in my opinion if you get friendzoned, move on to greener pastures. Keep searching. Find someone else better for you. Someone who will love and give mutually. That is how it should be, because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Best wishes,
Dr. G

2016-03-07 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication

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About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (, practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at; email me questions to