Communication

Giving Honey and Not Vinegar

Giving Honey and Not Vinegar

There is a classic old saying, “you’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar”. In other words, you will be more attractive to others and get further with others with a positive approach versus a negative one. So why do so many people show negativity with others in the dating and relationship world? Several possible reasons. Perhaps negativity, conflict, and contention was common in the family atmosphere they grew up with. Perhaps friends have given them bad relationship advice. Perhaps

2021-11-21 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Being A Commitment-Oriented Person

Being A Commitment-Oriented Person

In the 2020s with both members and non-members of the church alike, commitment in relationships and marriage has become weak and strained. And harder to find and maintain than previous generations. While there are numerous societal shifts and factors that have contributed to this development, a primary contributor to this problem is technology and the immediate gratification that comes from it. With Facebook, Instagram, Match, Tinder, You Tube, Tik Tok, online gaming, etc., people and

2021-10-09 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication
Different Wiring

Different Wiring

Men and women have different brains, and because of this, tend to have different ways to act and react across many different situations and circumstances. To give you a crash course on this subject, I recommend Mark Gungor. He is a speaker and author who reviews and focuses on the often funny and interesting differences between male and female brains. These differences account for so much of the differences between men and women across the board. As a crash course on the subject, you can view

2021-07-05 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Choosing to Not Be Offended?

Choosing to Not Be Offended?

Some words that ruffled more than a few feathers among church members came from the October 2006 general conference talk entitled, “And Nothing Shall Offended” by Elder David Bednar (see: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng). In short, Elder Bednar shares the idea that we ultimately choose to be offended by another and that hence, we can choose not to be offended. Even more so, he recommends that we should choose to not be

2021-06-28 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Staying Power in a Relationship

Staying Power in a Relationship

Relationships have 2 basic phases. In the first phase, relationships are new, exciting, and exhilarating. Often, partners become very infatuated, even obsessed with the other. Hence, this phase is often called the “infatuation phase”. Time together is often intoxicating, and time away is spent longing to be together once more as soon as possible. This stimulating phase often lasts anywhere from 6-12 months, sometimes less, sometimes more. Rarely does this phase last longer than about 2 years.

2021-05-30 Randy Gilchrist Healthy relationships, Marriage preparation, Communication
Don’t Be a Downer

Don’t Be a Downer

In the early 2000s, Saturday Night Live ran a sketch starring Rachel Dratch as “Debbie Downer”. Each sketch basically had the same arrangement: a collection of people were gathered together for a fun, special occasion, such as going to Disney World, a Thanksgiving dinner, a wedding reception, etc. While everyone else is working to have a good time, Debbie still manages to take every positive thing going on and find the negative in it. It wears very thin, very quickly with everyone else. By the

2021-05-14 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Communication
Explaining Baggage

Explaining Baggage

A particular challenge of dating in and out of church circles is baggage. More specifically, deciding when and how to explain the particular baggage (meaning, your notable issues or challenges) you bring to the relationship. If you bring up your baggage too quickly, you could scare people off and repel others. Conversely, if you bring up issues too deep and late into a relationship—even after engagement or even marriage, the other person may feel you weren’t honest and open in the relationship.

2020-09-27 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Communication
Applying the 7 Habits to Relationships

Applying the 7 Habits to Relationships

A landmark self-help book by renown BYU professor Stephen Covey is the classic work: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Regularly touted as one of the top 20 self-help books of all time, this remarkable work loosely and informally translates several useful and traditionally LDS principles into a user-friendly self-help form to promote what makes for healthy, happy, effective people. These principles relate to both the business world, relationships, and life in general. In today’s dating

2020-08-17 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Communication
Are They Telling the Truth?

Are They Telling the Truth?

One big challenge in the dating world: figuring out if you can you trust that a person you are getting to know is telling the truth about themselves. To be fair, everyone is under a decent amount of pressure to put a good foot forward and show their best side in the dating arena. Unfortunately, deception, exaggeration, and straight out lying are common methods used in an attempt to impress others in the effort to find a new relationship. The problem is that if a potential dating partner is

2020-07-20 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Communication, Psychological health
When to Vent

When to Vent

There are times when still acting in civil and respectful ways in a relationship is essential when you are actually feeling quite negative. It can simply be poor timing to fully open up about it all. Consider intense feelings of anger, resentment, pessimism, cynicism, and so on. When you are feeling in some of these highly negative ways, showing these feelings openly and fully at that moment can be taxing and will often create conflict and difficulties in relationships. This is especially true

2020-04-13 Randy Gilchrist Communication
Different Ways Men and Women Communicate

Different Ways Men and Women Communicate

The number one most common complaint I hear from men and women in couples therapy is that they are having difficulties with communication and want to communicate better with each other. In fact, I can’t remember any couples therapy I have ever done with a couple that did not include some version of this same goal. In this article I will review some of the main common differences in the primary gendered ways and purposes (but not the only ways and purposes) men and women communicate, along with

2020-03-16 Randy Gilchrist Understanding men, Understanding women, Communication
Looks and Dating

Looks and Dating

We read in the well-known scripture the following: “…for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” –I Samuel 16:7. This scripture has implications for singles and dating. Some will look and conclude that these words confirm that “looks don’t matter” or that “looks shouldn’t matter”. Others will look at this scripture and conclude the exact opposite: if “man” (people) are naturally wired to look at and be attracted to the

2019-11-03 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication, Health and fitness
Having an Attractive Attitude

Having an Attractive Attitude

In the dating world, impressions go a long way to determine if a person is given a dating opportunity and if so, how long the relationship will last. Besides physical looks, the attitude a person demonstrates is a close second factor creating an impression of what a relationship and life would be like with another. And people usually don’t want to be with or around a Negative Nellie or a Doug Downer. Certain attitudes attract, whereas and other attitudes repel. Common negative repelling

2019-10-14 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication
Sexual Hangups in Marriage

Sexual Hangups in Marriage

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are given a clear edict to always uphold the law of chastity. On the current official church website (www.churchofjesuschrist.org) in the law of chastity section, they give a classic quote from President Spencer W. Kimball that gives a clear definition of this law: “Total chastity before marriage and total fidelity after are still the standard from which there can be no deviation without sin, misery, and unhappiness.” So

2019-08-19 Randy Gilchrist Healthy relationships, Communication
Ghosted?

Ghosted?

Wikipedia defines “ghosting” as follows: “Ghosting is breaking off a relationship (often an intimate relationship) by stopping all communication and contact with the partner without any apparent warning or justification, as well as ignoring the partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate. The term originated in the mid-2000s. In that following decade, media reported a rise in ghosting, which has been attributed to the increasing use of social media and online dating apps.” In other words

2019-08-11 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication, Conflict resolution
Dealing with Differences

Dealing with Differences

In general, the more similar couples are--with their attitudes, interests, politics, religious ideas, hobbies, and so on--the bigger the advantage they have. It becomes easier to get along, to bond, and to have agreeable and enjoyable time together. However, men and women will still be…different in many ways. We naturally think, act, and feel differently. We interpret the world differently. Such differences can potentially cause frustration, conflict, and misunderstanding. So, how do couples

2019-05-13 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Communication, Conflict resolution