Why Not Me?

Why Not Me? by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)

Sometimes LDS singles wonder things like “why not me?”, “why haven’t I found someone yet (or again)?”, “why does it seem like it always works out for everyone else?”, “what is wrong with me?”, “what do others have that I must be lacking?”, and so on. It can shake our confidence to the core as the months, years, even decades go by still single. It becomes easy to question ourselves and others around us while grappling for answers and change. So, why hasn’t it worked out for you yet? Well, the answers vary for everyone but I have a few possibilities to consider. So whichever ring true for you, please address and improve these issues accordingly. Don’t complain, work to solve and eliminate your roadblocks.

Possibility #1--Too few opportunities: There are two main ways to have too few dating opportunities. Either your opportunities are few because you live in an area with few fellow local/regional LDS singles, and/or you are avoiding local social opportunities because of introversion, social anxiety, past hurts/baggage, etc. In any event, if you feel you are struggling from few opportunities, figure out why and work to make adjustments accordingly. Perhaps you can open yourself more to long distance/online dating options. Perhaps you can move to an area in the West where more local LDS singles exist, such as Utah, Idaho, or Arizona. If you struggle with introversion or social anxiety, perhaps read some self-help books or seek some psychotherapy/hypnosis to work on these issues. In short, do something about your limited opportunities. Don’t wait on the Lord to fix it. He wants you to be proactive. Remember, he already has a spouse so you are the one that needs to do the work.

Possibility #2--Sabotage: When you get a good new relationship going with true potential, do you do something to sabotage it before it can really take off? Do you start unneeded arguments, look for and knit pick them on every small imperfection? Are you worried it is going too well so you push them away for fear of future hurt if it doesn’t work out? Whatever your reason, the first step is to notice and recognize that you are doing this. Then, armed with self-awareness, be open about this tendency with your new dating partner. Come up with a plan to address it with your dating partner before you do it to short circuit the sabotage before it happens. Perhaps come up with a plan to take some space for a few hours or days for the anxiety to calm down. Maybe taking to the bishop could be helpful with this tendency as well.

Possibility #3--Not Ready: Are you not ready for a healthy, committed relationship or marriage? Are you in a big financial hole? Do you have a big weight or health issues you need to address? Are there unresolved issues with your ex or your kids you need to figure out first? Do you have some communication or conflict resolution issues to figure out? Whatever unresolved issues or problems that need to be ironed out in preparation for a future committed relationship, please consistently work on eliminating them. Don’t assume the problems or issues will go away on their own over time. Assume they will not and that you need to address them. Don’t avoid or procrastinate.

Possibility #4--Being Comfortable Being Single: Have you been single for long enough to get comfortable? That you have lost any urgency to look for a new dating partner? Have past failures led you to consider giving up on the search? Perhaps you have even rationalized in your mind that maybe you were meant to be single forever and not meant to be with someone else. Maybe you have even told yourself you are one of those people who is just meant to find someone on the other side and you have accepted this. In any event, if you have become comfortable being single, I invite you to work on again becoming uncomfortable with your singlehood again. Comfort feels good but hurts the motivation to try and to get yourself out there. Work to regain the importance and urgency of searching for an eternal companion. If you have forgotten the urgency of marriage and eternal families, please regain the urgency by reading again The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

Final Thought Whatever of these four reasons or other factors have added to your personal reasons for singlehood, please 1) figure out what your roadblocks are, and 2) consistently work to eliminate such roadblocks in your quest to find a quality dating partner and eternal companion. We are meant to married and have families. Please adjust, adapt, overcome, and succeed. Please keep trying. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Dr. G

*To submit a question for a future Q & A column or to request a possible future article subject, contact me at drgilchrist@yahoo.com.
**Do you struggle with pornography or another addictive tendency? Do you struggle with eating issues or want to lose weight? Anxiety issues? Other issues, challenges, or problems? Consider my special custom hypnosis recording service for fellow LDS members only, available worldwide by online delivery. A powerful, effective, convenient tool for change. Learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds or email me questions at drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Completely private and confidential.

2018-07-09 Randy Gilchrist Dating, Healthy relationships, Unhealthy relationships

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About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).