by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, LDS Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (FREE LDS online dating site)
A common statement I've heard from single LDS members frustrated with their situation is "what's wrong with me?" Or, "everyone else seems to be able to find someone. Why can't I?" This question, depending on how it is asked, can either be helpful and productive, or negative and self defeating.
The Questions We Ask Ourselves
The great self-help coach Anthony Robbins once said that "the quality of our life is largely dependent on the quality of the questions we ask ourselves". He goes on to give an example of what he called a poorly worded question, that tends to lead to a negative answer and negative results. A person who was struggling with their weight asked themselves inside, "how could I have allowed myself to get so fat?" This question then led to some pretty negative answers inside, including "because you are lazy and eat way too much food". Conversely, a better way a question on that subject could have been asked to lead to a better result could have been, "what can I do today to weight one pound less tomorrow?" The second question was positive, proactive, and gives the positive assumption that "I can in fact lose weight, so what can I do now to help make it happen?" Those kinds of positive, proactive questions lead to positive, proactive answers, behaviors, and lifestyle changes.
The Problem with "What's Wrong With Me?"
Asking yourself "what's wrong with me" related to dating and finding a partner is that the assumption is that you are somehow flawed and have somehow done this to yourself. That it's your fault. That you have sabotaged your dating prospects and maybe don't want the connection you have been searching for. Possible self defeating answers to this kind of negative question might include things like "…because I'm fat/ugly/unattractive", "…because I don't make enough money", "…because I am a jerk/loser/(fill in the blank negative name or label)".
Do you know why telling yourself those answers doesn't lead to good results? Because when you put yourself down that way--tearing yourself down and calling yourself names--you break down your inner spirit and confidence. Then, to make matters worse, when your self esteem is lower after this inner talk, this tends to project a negative aura of yourself and negative energy to others, they avoid you and don't want to get close, and it becomes a negative self-fulfilling prophesy.
So, what might be some better questions we can ask ourselves, leading to positive change and eventual dating success? Basically, anything that leads you towards positive changes in a proactive, nurturing, supportive manner. Such productive questions you may ask yourself could include: "What are my strengths?" "What do people like about me?" "What has been successful for me in the past?" "What have I noticed about relationally successful people that I can model after and emulate?" "What books/movies/media shows relationally inspiring and successful people that I can model after and emulate?" "What can I make even better about myself to improve myself?" "How can I more often/better show people my best qualities?" "How can I put myself around more quality fellow singles and have more opportunities?" And the list of such questions goes on.
The answers we give ourselves to such questions inspire confidence, positive energy, better game plans, and overall better results in the dating arena, as well as life in general. I've heard it said before that when it comes to socializing, "people give to the greedy, not the needy". In other words, positive, energetic, confident people tend to attract more and more friends and dating opportunities, often much more than they can handle. Positivity and confidence is like the honey that attracts the flies. This effect can either be conscious or subconscious, and effects are real. The scriptures validate this idea as well. As the classic scripture goes in Proverbs 23:7, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he". Or, same idea: "For as she thinketh in her heart, so is she".
Go forward with confidence and faith. Be careful with the inner dialog you have with yourself. You can have dating success and a happy marriage in your own due time as you apply an improved formula. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Also, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for access to previous and future Dr. G articles.
|2017-01-05||Randy Gilchrist||Dating, Healthy relationships|
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to email@example.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to firstname.lastname@example.org).