Stop Beating Yourself Up

Stop Beating Yourself Up As we know, one of the central tenants as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is marriage, especially the ideal of getting married in the temple. But…that ideal doesn’t work out for everyone, at least as planned. Some will never get married in this life for various reasons. Others will divorce. Whether or not marriage (or remarriage) will happen for you in this life will be shown over time. Just stay active, faithful, and keep trying. In the meantime, what do you tell yourself currently about being single? Unfortunately, it is common in human nature to be pretty negative towards themselves about their being single. Some even beat themselves up: putting themselves down, blaming themselves, etc.

As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, I have had the privilege of working with fellow members in dealing with many challenges in life over the years, including being single in a marriage focused church. I have asked fellow members who beat themselves up over their singles status why they do this. I often hear as a response statements like “I am just discouraged and want to give up”, or “I am just trying to motivate myself to get out there in the singles scene” or even “I’m just trying to get myself to prepare”. Whatever the rationale, some singles beat themselves as an extreme effort in reaction to things not working well previously in their romantic life. Whatever the reasoning, beating yourself up over being single does not help. To the contrary: beating yourself up for being single just drains your confidence, energy, and esteem. In such a drained state, future social efforts will be minimal and less likely to be effective.

Positive Self-Talk

Along your singles journey, engaging in positive self-talk will have the opposite effect as beating yourself up. Positive self-talk will increase your confidence, energy, and esteem, helping you to draw people towards yourself and increasing your prospects for dating success. As a suggestion, I recommend that you create a list of positive, true statements about everything you have to offer in a dating relationship and a marriage. This is not to be conceited. Just to boost your dating confidence and esteem. Some possible positive self-talk statements could include things like the following:

I am a nice person.
I am a loving person.
I am an affectionate person.
I treat others well.
I am active in the church.
I hold a temple recommend (or am on the path to getting one).
I am financially responsible (or am improving).
I read scriptures/conference talks regularly.
I support the prophet and general authorities.
I am attractive, especially my ______ (most attractive attribute).
I eat right and exercise (or am in the process of improving it).
I speak softly and am kind.
I dress well/have a good fashion sense.

In addition to practicing some positive self-talk, working to boost your self-esteem, in general, can be important. For more ideas to boost your self-esteem, I recommend reading these short articles:

Also, to boost your relational confidence and to feel attractive to the opposite sex, I recommend listening regularly to either of these hypnosis session packs:

For men:

For women:

Final Thoughts:

The main thing to remember is that when it comes to dating, beating yourself up and being negative never lead to anything positive happening. Besides being a very unpleasant emotion to experience, when you are negative towards yourself, others sense this, this will push others away, and will, unfortunately, lessen and limit your dating opportunities. On the other hand, when you speak positively towards yourself and your relationship prospects, you give off more positive energy and draw others to you. So please follow the ideas given in this little article, as well as utilizing the suggested resources.

We learn that “the natural man (and woman) is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19). Naturally, we tend to be negative towards ourselves or others when circumstances have not turned out as planned in our life, such as with dating and relationships. However, as we search the scriptures, pray, and choose to adopt a more positive attitude towards ourselves, our dating and relationship prospects, and our life in general, our opportunities for relationship success increase. You can be a relationship success story. You can have a happy marriage. Apply the ideas of this little article to help you on your way. Because “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:11

Dr. G
P.S. If you can questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at

2019-04-29 Randy Gilchrist Psychological health

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About the author

Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (, practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at; email me questions to