One of the more complicated and challenging issues facing couples and marriages today involves money. Money squabbles and issues in general are often touchy, hit sensitivities, and often lead to contention and even break ups. In six of my past articles I have examined the subject of money and money related issues with relationships. If interested, feel free to review them later at these links:
In this article I am going to review another money related issue: figuring out if the primary reason someone is dating you is you is because of you or because of your money (or potential earning power). Basically, if the main reason someone is dating you is for your financial resources: income, assets, retirement, investments, etc., then they are not primary with you because they are interested in you. They may not even like you at all! When they are not primary with you because they love you and enjoy your companionship, your future prospects and long-term potential with this person is shaky or even doomed. Sadly, with how challenging our economy is today, the focus of this article is even more relevant than ever. In short, if someone is mainly with you for your money, please break up with them. Or you will likely feel hurt and used in the end. Because a successful marriage requires commitment, friendship, connection, and an overall ability to like and be around each other. When that is lacking, a relationship will tend to have a shelf life and eventually expire. Money can only go so far in a relationship.
A predatorial person primarily looking for a person of large/secure income and assets is sometimes called a “gold digger”. According to the Urban Dictionary, a gold digger is defined as follows: “Someone who only likes people because of how much money they have, or because of the items they own.” (see: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gold%20Digger). Gold digging exists on a continuum. The stereotype is that women are mainly the “gold diggers”. But men can be this as well. It is more about action and intention than gender. The important thing is to choose a person who truly likes and loves you and wants companionship with you, apart from your money. For those people of means, figuring out whether a person is mainly with them for their money can be challenging indeed, yet very important.
Figuring it out—are they mainly with me for me or my money?
*Be discreet: if you choose modestly priced dates and try to not spend notably more than most others on a date, you can be discreet about your true income and net worth. Wear modest clothes and drive a more modest car. Downplay your career and assets (without lying). If the other person acts turned off by this and moves on from you, you might have dodged a bullet.
*Observe and listen: how much and how often do they ask about your finances, your assets, and your career? A lesser or reasonable amount is OK and acceptable. But if a person is especially nosey and asks a lot of questions or very prying questions, then money is obviously a prime motivator for them and why they are dating you. You may choose to move on.
*Past history and background: a person’s history and background can explain a lot in regards to their attitude towards money. Did they come from an extremely poor or an extremely rich/well off family? If so, they may be more likely to emphasize money more than someone “middle class”. Also, how big of a factor did money play in their household growing up? What about the ex-partners or spouse(s)? What was their financial status? The more well off the past household and partners, the more likely they will be to expect that from you too. So beware and be informed.
*Their focus: how materialistic and money focused do they seem in general? How often is the subject brought up? How much do they talk about the money or the stuff they have or they wish to get? Is it a big, regular topic of conversation? How into buying stuff are they? Do they buy expensive clothing or other items? You can get quite a preview and an overview of their ideas and approaches to money by observing and listening to these things.
*Ask: Ask whatever you think you need to in order to understand the other’s stance with money. Also, ask what they like and love about you specifically. If they really can’t come up with anything much on this subject, they probably don’t like you very much and are more drawn to your income/assets.
If you feel the other is primarily with you for your income or assets, that is not a strong enough foundation for a couple to be able to stay together for the long haul. If and when you find out the other feels that way about you—that your primarily value is money, you will probably feel used and will best to look for someone else who can truly love you and commit to you because of how you are, not what you have. You need that strong, secure foundation together to make it through the storms of life. Because “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:1.
P.S. If you have any questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to email@example.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to firstname.lastname@example.org).