A lot of times, people in the singles/dating world get frustrated with a number of common issues and challenges. One of the more common frustrations involves people being unhappy that others do not approach them or keep wanting to interact after a brief exchange. If you are noticing that you are rarely approached or your conversations with others are usually brief, tense, or awkward, there are probably reasons for this. Are you not rich, good looking, or popular enough? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. But I do know this: people who are rarely approached by others usually give off often inadvertent messages that they are not open to being approached. This “unapproachable” message comes in body language, facial expression, certain statements, and other signs and signals.
How Are You Coming Across as Unapproachable?
From the book First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You by White and Demarais (2007), some common signs to others are reviewed that send the message you are not approachable and/or are otherwise disinterested. They are:
*Failure to smile. You might think doing this has you coming across as neutral, thoughtful, and cool. But instead it leads you to come across as uninterested, unattracted to the other, or cold.
*Focusing on your individuality rather than your commonality with others. You might think doing this has you coming across as interesting and eccentric. But instead it leads you to come across as inaccessible, self-absorbed, or socially awkward.
*Showing little attention to your grooming and style. You might think doing this has you coming across as natural or not concerned about superficialities. But instead it leads you to come across as socially unaware, lazy, or careless.
*Waiting for an introduction. You might think doing this has you coming across as neutral or unobtrusive. But instead it leads you to come across as distant, uncomfortable, uninviting, or passive.
*Observing and judging before interacting actively. You might think doing this has you coming across as careful and thoughtful. But instead it leads you to come across as uninterested, difficult to connect with, or aloof.
*Using prepared opening lines. You might think doing this has you coming across as charming, open, and witty. But instead it leads you to come across as shallow, aggressive, or calculating.
*Opening with a casual, negative opinion. You might think doing this has you coming across as straightforward. But instead it leads you to come across as unlikable or unpleasant.
Coming Across as More Approachable:
In contrast, the following are signs and signals demonstrating warmth and approachability, as well as being a non-threatening presence.
*Smiling when you meet someone. Doing this helps you come across as inviting, affirming, likable, and pleasant.
*Adapting to the social situation and appearing similar to others. Doing this helps you come across safe, comfortable, accepting, and non-judgmental.
*Being stylish, well groomed, and comfortable with your appearance. Doing this helps you come across as attractive, healthy, and confident.
*Introducing yourself and others. Doing this helps you come across engaged, socially skilled, and comfortable.
*Actively inviting people to join you. Doing this helps you come across safe, welcoming, and likable.
*Creating a positive mood and drawing out others. Doing this helps you come across as affirming, entertaining, and comfortable to be around.
*Opening a conversation by being in the moment—talking about the immediate situation. Doing this helps you come across safe, socially aware, and easy to engage.
Final Thoughts on Suggestions:
Be self-aware. Be much more aware of how you are coming across and how that translates into the impressions you give to others. If what you are currently doing isn’t working, adjust. Make the needed changes and improvements to come across in a better, different way. Otherwise if you keep doing what you are doing, you’ll keep getting what you are getting. More of the same just brings more of the same. I highly recommend to read the entire book to become much more aware of how you come across in general. Again, the book is called First Impressions by White and Demarais (2007). Knowledge is power and will fuel any needed adjustments you can make for better results. And the results are worth it, because in the end, “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:11.
P.S. If you can questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to email@example.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to firstname.lastname@example.org).