In 1992, a book was published with some helpful and user-friendly information for marriages and couple relationships in general. The book is called: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. In this article, some key ideas will be shared from The Five Love Languages, along with some opinions and suggestions for how to implement these ideas. Whenever a book comes out that is still talked about and utilized 3 decades
later, the ideas must have resonated with a lot of people and be pretty helpful. Another validation of the utility and usefulness of this book is evidenced by the fact that over 20,000,000 copies of the book have been sold since 1992. Pretty impressive. Clearly people are finding value in this book. Therefore, I decided to do a brief review of the ideas from the book in hopes that you will implement these ideas accordingly to nourish and nurture your current or future relationship well.
The Five Love Languages—Main Ideas Of:
The main idea of the book is that in intimate, committed relationships—namely marriage—partners have a primary type of love language (affection) that they prefer most, along with a secondary type of love language they enjoy most after that. Therefore, an important goal and role of a partner is to 1) discover the primary and secondary love languages of their partner, and 2) make regular and adequate efforts to give and fulfill the other person’s particular love languages that matter most to them. A mistake that many partners make is that by default, they often emphasize giving their partner the type of love languages that they themselves most want and need. However, of course, one person’s love languages are usually different and unique from another person. When there is a mismatch in what is wanted versus what is given, relational frustration, dissatisfaction, and dysfunction will likely follow.
The Five Languages—A Brief Review:
*Words of Affirmation (Compliments). These are words that affirm and compliment the other, such as “thank yous”, appreciation, “good job”, “I like that”, and so on. A good way to know that words of affirmation are a main love language can be determined in 2 main ways. First, the more the other compliments you, this likely reveals that them themselves crave such compliments. Second, when you compliment the other person, can you tell they really like it? Do they light up, and really show their enjoyment of your words?
*Quality Time. For time together to be considered “quality time”, that means more than just, are you spending time with the other person? Just being around the other could be better thought of as “quantity time”. There is some importance to how much, how long, and how often you spend time with and around the other. True. Conversely, quality time refers to a particular, special kind of time spent together when you bond and interact together in a positive, interactive way. Examples of quality time together could include date nights, traveling together, doing a work project, or time spent together on a holiday. To discover the importance of quality time to the other person, notice how often they bring up or suggest the idea of doing fun and enjoyable activities together. This usually happens when the other values such activities and finds them very enjoyable and bonding.
*Receiving Gifts. Gifts given to the other can be big or small, expensive, cheaper, or free, and/or a surprise or the fulfillment of a request. Gift giving involves the giving of desired, tangible items. A decent way to notice if gift giving is important to the other person can be learned by noticing how often the other person gives their partner gifts, as well as how positive, appreciative, and ecstatic they are when a gift is given to them by their partner.
*Acts of Service. Service acts relate to concrete, behavioral efforts to do things for the other person that they would appreciate and would help make their lives easier, better, or otherwise more enjoyable. Household service tasks could include doing the dishes, the laundry, or taking out the trash. Outside service tasks may involve doing yardwork, shopping, or running errands. Some tasks directly make the other person’s life better, such as washing their car or making the other’s favorite meal. Earning money from one’s career and paying the bills are also larger acts of service. The obvious was to notice acts of service matter a lot to a person can be viewed by how well and how often a person engages in acts of service, as well as how well they appreciate your efforts when you give service.
*Physical Touch: How often does a person give caresses, hold hands, give back rubs, snuggle, hug, or wrestle? How often does a spouse initiate and enjoy sexual intimacy? The more positive non-sexual and sexual touch they give the other, the more the partner themselves usually enjoy and desire physically touch and affection in different varieties. You can know someone enjoys physical touch by how much they affectionately touch you, how much they request touch from you, and how well they respond to your giving touch with enjoyment and appreciation.
Learn and apply efforts with the primary and secondary love language of the other person. Ask the other to rank order these 5 love languages. Notice how they act and react to your love language giving as well. Give mainly in the ways desired most for the best results. Do so to show love and to adequately and consistently nourish and nurture the relationship. As you consider your relationship together as a type of living organism, feed that relationship the right kind of nourishment. And give the relationship enough of that nourishment. The result will be a healthy, happy relationship and both sides approach their relationship this way. And remember that “…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.”—1 Corinthians 11:1.
P.S. If you have any questions, comments, or a future article request for me, feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to email@example.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to firstname.lastname@example.org).