by Dr. Randy Gilchrist, Licensed Psychologist
www.LDSdimension.com (free LDS online dating site)
Wolves in Sheep's Clothing
Question:
Hi Dr. G:
I am a divorced mother of three, divorced for 12 years. I have dated, I am LDS, and live in Utah county. Our religion in Utah is different than outside of Utah. I am exhausted. I have never met so many wolves in sheep's clothing, I don't want to give up, but how do I change this? Also, how do I identify if it's me or them? Not everything or every situation is black and white. Thank you.
(Name Withheld)
Answer:
Good questions. Many in the dating world, both in and out of the LDS community, both online and face to face, complain about the fakeness and phoniness they often encounter when meeting potential dating partners. Is this challenge worse in Utah, amongst the LDS population, and in Utah County specifically? Maybe. Perhaps. The pressure to seem perfect there seems pretty high. I lived there myself for 3 years at BYU and I know of what you speak. Challenges like this require a strong, successful person to overcome them, and you can have a relationship success story, in spite of these difficulties.
In answer to your question of "is it me or is it them" is this: it's both you and them. First, your part is to become a better "detective", meaning to better decipher someone's actual character and trustworthiness as soon as possible, and then pursue only quality partners. Furthermore, your job is also to, of course, treat them with similar respect, kindness, and consideration.
There are many things you can look to for clues to this in your conversations and interactions together. For instance, do their words and actions align so they mean what they say and say what they mean? How do they handle stress, frustration, and not getting what they want? How much do they take an interest in you versus going on and on about themselves? How do they talk about others behind their backs? Do they talk respectfully about others? Do they talk respectfully to you? How is their relationship with their parents, siblings, extended family, friends? Do they even have friends? How have others that know them describe them? Do they go to church, hold callings, have a recommend? Quickly (but tactfully and subtly) finding out answers to these kinds of questions will be essential in determining if they really are a sheep or a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Online, you can often determine some of these answers from their profile, where people often reveal things they don't intend as you read between the lines. Dating, including online dating, is essentially a two-way interview. You need to learn enough about them to decide whether or not you will "hire them" (date, and possibly more) and they need to do the same with you. Much like a job interview, people in the dating world try to put their best foot forward, but a little detective work can help you learn what a person is really all about as you decide whether to proceed.
The other person's part is actually demonstrating that they're a good character, good quality, respectful, kind, giving, loving person that is commitment worthy. Looking for and choosing the best quality individual is what will pay off over the long run. The exciting, brooding, or troubled "bad boy" (or the "damsel in distress" for men) will usually leave you hurt, frustrated, and possibly bitter because of the damage and frustration such individuals often cause. Look for someone who is not just active in church, but someone who demonstrates through their words and deeds that they are basically a kind, healthy individual. Hormones, looks, money, and other superficial traits are attractive but not enough to make for a healthy, committed relationship. Character counts. How we treat others matters. Look for that, show that yourself, and don't settle for less.
We all have our issues, challenges, and "emotional baggage", but basically decent, healthy, marriage worthy individuals do exist. Don't lose faith! The challenge in the dating world is to find, choose, and nurture a relationship with a person like that. Most you meet will not fit the requirements of commitment, a few will. Fortunately, you only need to find one good one. To further answer your second question of "is it me or is it them", and to get a better picture of what a good, healthy (and/or unhealthy) person looks and acts like, you may need to do some further study and research. I highly recommend the book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail by John Gottman, as well other relational writings from John Gottman.
Finding that healthy person is truly a great challenge, it takes time, and can be very frustrating until it finally works out. Like the old saying goes, nothing works out--until it finally does. It's often like finding a needle in the haystack. However, you can do it. Take some short breaks along the way as needed, but don't give up. Use some strategy, keep your perseverance, and pray. It's worth it and it will eventually work out. Because "…neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).
Best wishes,
Dr. G
**To readers: to submit a question to Dr. G for a future Q and A column, please send your questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Then, please register for a free account at www.ldsdimension.com for future Dr. G columns and articles.
| 2016-04-15 | Randy Gilchrist | Dating |
About the author
Hello, my name is Dr. Randy Gilchrist (aka "Dr. G"). I am a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage & family therapist, and a certified hypnotherapist in private practice in Roseville, CA (www.dr-rg.com), practicing since 1997. Also, I am happily married in the temple (Manti) since 1996 and have 4 sons. I am a volunteer writer and contributor to LDS Dimension. I use my training, education, and experience to share insights with LDS Dimension on all things of interest to the LDS dating community. Please read my articles and columns on this site to assist you in your online dating journey. Also, to be considered for an answer in a future Q and A column, please email me your dating/relationship oriented questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com. Finally, I also offer a powerful, effective worldwide custom hypnosis recording service just for LDS Dimension members for weight loss, pornography, and many other issues of concern to those in the LDS dating community (please learn more now at www.dr-rg.com/lds; email me questions to drgilchrist@yahoo.com).